Country Livin' and Baby Growin'

Hi all!

I'm sorry for the delays between my blog updates - life's been busy! Many of you know that Chris and I recently made the move to Pine City! I never thought I'd see the day I'd be a "country girl" again, but here I am and I love it! OK let's face it, the title of "Country Girl" is a stretch. A more accurate description would be that I'm loving living closer to family & friends in a climate controlled, bug-free house that happens to be in the country, but on a tar road (thank God!) Ali & Nature just do not mix, no matter how hard my mother-in-law tries to make that happen (right, Vicki?!) I'm proud to say, however, that she recently put me in charge of watering her plants for 11 days and none of them died. Now if only I could remember to water the ONE plant I have at my house, we might call it a success.

Seriously, my lack of skills and general aversion to nature makes me feel like I don't even have the right to admit I grew up on a farm. Sorry, Mom & Dad! And how the heck did me and Chris (a.k.a. Grizzly Adams, Daniel Boone, any other nature dude) ever end up together?! He is completely in his element. He was tending to our new fire pit before we even had 2 boxes unpacked. I joined him for about 3 minutes before I got bit by no less than 7 mosquitoes. That is not an exaggeration. I've read in my "What To Expect When You're Expecting" book that pregnant women get bit by mosquitoes twice as much as non-pregnant women. Who knew? Evidently we're producing more carbon dioxide because we're breathing more, which my already good friends - mosquitoes - just love. Logically, then, my conclusion is that breathing less will keep the mosquitoes away. In that case, I should stay away from exercise, right? I'm just going by what the experts say....just kidding, but man, have I been slackin' in that area. Does creating and nurturing a human life count as exercise? I'd say its counts as pretty strenuous stuff........

Speaking of this little human life inside me.......:-) Today I'm 21 weeks, 4 days pregnant - already over the halfway point! We had our 20 week ultrasound last week - so fun! Here are some of the highlights and/or noteworthy items re: the ultrasound:

• Most importantly - Baby Piha is totally healthy and is developing perfectly so far! It's an absolute miracle - all the body parts, organs, etc. that are forming in this tiny little being. Amazing.
• We did not find out the sex. Not because Baby didn't cooperate but because we didn't want to know - we really want to keep it a surprise. We are not doing this to annoy you, and we're very sorry this makes your shopping experience more difficult (insert sarcasm here - you wouldn't believe how many people comment on how hard it is to shop when we tell them we're not finding out. Yes, I know there isn't as much gender neutral stuff but we'll all get through it somehow.)
• Baby Piha is downright creepy looking. Homeboy/girl better get cuter before birth. They did a forward face shot and he/she literally looked like Skeletor. We love them no matter what but right now, they have a face that only Mommy & Daddy could love, yikes!!! I will say, though, that from the side he/she is much cuter, so we're pretty confident they'll be presentable by the time they arrive. :-)
• The ultrasound tech said our baby is already very photogenic - they did all the "poses" she wanted them to at just the right times. I'm already picturing them turning to the side with hands on hips, just like Mommy. So is Chris, which really worries him if it turns out to be a boy, haha! 
• Baby is very active!! My placenta is in the front, so it's hard for me to feel movement yet but I'm pretty confident I've felt a couple little ripples in the past week. 
• WE'RE IN LOVE! We always have been but we're even more so after seeing our little guy/gal actually looking like a cute little baby (except from the front, refer to 3rd bullet point.) It was an amazing experience!
• P.S. Was I supposed to cry?? Several people have asked me if I cried and I immediately had the "oh no, I'm a bad mom" feeling because I didn't. We laughed! From what I hear from all you mom's out there, I will become quite familiar with that feeling; might as well get started now, huh?! Though, I'd rather have Baby hear me laughing all the time versus crying - I think we'll be just fine. :-) 

Other than that, we're just plugging along! Baby has been good to me and I really can't complain about pregnancy - it's been a breeze compared to the horror stories I hear from others! Yet, I can't say I love it. Does that make me a bad person? I love the fact that I'm pregnant and I love our baby, and I love that Chris and I are experiencing this together, especially given the fact that we didn't think we could. But I've had people tell me that they LOVED being pregnant and would be pregnant forever if they could - that they never felt better in their life. Um, no. I'm so grateful for the opportunity and experience, and I hope to be able to do it again, but I don't think I'm one of those people. Maybe if I didn't have teenage acne I'd feel differently. :-) 

Thanks for reading!! I promise to do better at keeping you all updated! Oh! And I'll leave you with one of the better pictures of Baby Piha. :-)

The New List......

Hello all! It's been so fun getting your reactions to my last blog post - they keep trickling in and I appreciate all the wonderful texts, emails, FB messages, and phone calls!

In my last post, I made a call for reasons being pregnant is amazing. I knew I could count on my wonderful (and hilarious!) friend MJ to supply me with plenty (just as she supplied me with lots of reasons why it's not. :-) She is one of the best people to have around when you need to weigh the pros and cons of anything, and she's always there, period. For that, MJ, I thank you and love you!!!

Here is the "new list" so far, as quoted by MJ.

1. ) You can eat with reckless, and I do mean reckless, abandon. Eating bowls of ice cream and plates of banana cream pie with ZERO guilt were just a few (of many) of my pregnancy highlights.

2.) You can temporarily be a sober cab for your drunk friends and relatives! Think of the money you will save all of them in cab fare.

3.) Having a big gut is actually fun and endearing! Trust me, no normal person wants to rub a big hairy beer belly but a big preggo belly is like its own Buddha.

4.) When others are hungover, you can smile and feel content knowing your head isn't on fire and you aren't dry heaving into the nearest receptacle.

5.) You will truly have the best excuse (not that you need one) to nap, couch, and well, do a lot of nothing. You are growing a baby after all, and that's a lot of damn work!

6.) Feeling that little baby move for the first time is nothing short of amazing. You get to know that little one before anyone else in the whole world does; what an honor and privilege.

I love these and can tell you that I've already experienced #1 (minus the banana cream pie, but add Kraft macaroni & cheese), #2 (thanks to my husband and Amy & Joe Kruse, ha ha!) #4 (again, thanks to Amy Kruse - jeez, what a party animal! :-), and #5 (thanks to Game of Thrones and Bravo. Speaking of GofT, OMG to the last episode!!!!!! No spoiler alerts here, but if you watch it, you know what I'm talking about! And thank you Bravo, for the return of Real Housewives of New Jersey - my favorite of all guilty pleasures.)

The big belly and feeling the baby kick are coming.......can't wait!

An update, finally! (And it's worth the wait, I promise. :-)

Hi all! I know many of you have been anxiously awaiting updates, especially now that May 28th has come and gone! (In case you missed it, May 28th was the date set for our marathon counseling session with PS#3, as well as her SIS and trial transfer.) I first want to say THANK YOU for the texts, emails and other well wishes leading up to and after this important date. It's so awesome to know we have people on this journey with us every step of the way!

What I'm about to say next may shock you......the appointment didn't happen. We canceled everything and decided not to move forward with PS#3.

I can almost hear your reaction. WHAT?! WHY??!! WHAT HAPPENED?? This essentially has been the reaction of those we've told in person.

The answer to those questions is about the best one I could have dreamed of: our prayers (and the prayers of many of you out there!!) have been answered. I'm pregnant. Yes, ME. I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

Again, I can hear your reaction. WHAT?! HOW?! OMG!! Am I right??? :-)

Yes, by some miracle, I'm 12 weeks pregnant with a perfectly healthy baby. No drugs, no medical interventions, no complications. Unbelievable. Needless to say, the shock hasn't fully worn off, even after 12 weeks and 4 ultrasounds! I have been positively bursting to tell you all this wonderful news!!!!!

Let me start from the beginning. Note: if you don't like hearing about mentstrual cycles (i.e. you're a dude), you may not want to continue reading. :-) No offense to dudes - even though I'm pretty sure 100% of my blog readers are NOT dudes. Anyway, continuing on.........

Let's take a step back in time to November. I was back home for the weekend as my cousin and his family from New Jersey were home visiting. I had been telling my mom earlier that day that I had been having what felt like cramps over the past month, but nothing ever came of it. (At this point, I hadn't had a period in about a year and a half, so cramps were actually welcome and exciting. Ha!) We went to my aunt & uncle's house to catch up on life, including mine & Chris's surrogacy journey. Good times.

During a bathroom break, I was shocked to discover that I had apparently gotten my period. I'm not kidding, I think I stared at the toilet paper for 1 full minute, thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me. I couldn't believe it!! I walked out of the bathroom, evidently looking like I had seen a ghost, because my sister and cousin immediately asked me what was wrong. I replied "Um, I think I just got my period", and started to cry. (Was this a flashback to being 14 years old?? Maybe, but this time it was tears of happiness and excitement, not fear!!) Everyone literally started whooping and yelling and hugging me like I had just won the lottery. It was hilarious, actually. And to my dude cousin's credit, he didn't bolt for the other room the second we started talking about periods - he actually was really happy and excited too. (OK, so he may have looked at us girls like we were nuts, but still, he handled it like a champ - thanks, B!)

The next Monday I called Dr. Campbell to let him know I had gotten what I thought might be a period. I say "might be" because it was just that one night - nothing more. He had me come in for testing, to which they told me that I had NOT ovulated and that it was probably just a fluke. He advised that I not get my hopes up and to continue with the surrogacy process. I didn't like that answer but accepted it.

BUT. I kept spotting every month after that. It was always very light and for only one day, but it was something. It was also happening very inconsistently. Sometimes it would be 30 days apart, sometimes 42, and anywhere in between. Regardless, we kept moving forward and I just kept track of what days I spotted on my calendar in hopes that it might start resembling a normal cycle.

Which now brings us to March. PS #3 has been approved, everything was moving along. In late February my friend told me about an app she was using to track her cycles called "MyCycles". She said she loved it, so I kept that in mind. (Probably better to track on an iPhone app than my Outlook calendar at work, ya think??) Anyway, the first weekend in March Chris and I went away for a little getaway to Duluth. Once again I got my "period", and it was during that Duluth trip that I finally said to him "ya know what? Let's just pretend I'm normal. I'll plug all my dates into this app and we'll do what it says, and see what happens." So, a few weeks later, when it said I was supposedly "fertile", we, um, acted accordingly. I didn't give it too much thought after that - I certainly wasn't obsessing over it. We had been through so many disappointments already, I just wanted to keep living life. I celebrated my birthday at the end of March and felt confident that my 35th year would be a great one!!

The day rolled around that I would supposedly get my "period", based on the dates I had tracked. (The app told me I had, on average, a 38-day "cycle", which although long, was still in the normal range. I say "cycle" and "period" in quotes, because I had been told I wasn't truly ovulating. Guess I proved them wrong, huh? But I'm fast-forwarding!) So, the day came and went, and nothing happened. Before bed that night, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just for fun. JUST FOR FUN? Yeah right, how about "just to torture myself"? Either way, I felt a compelling need to take one, and to not wait until morning like the directions recommended. So I peed on the little stick, and put it face down on the counter. Anyone who knows me well knows I have a 7-minute bedtime routine, which I went about doing as I do every single night with no anxiety or worries. I truly didn't think in a million years it would turn up anything but negative. I truly was at peace with that. Routine complete, I turned over the stick, ready to toss it the minute I saw the one line.

But, wait. There were two lines. Um, what?? There were TWO LINES. Pause for almost fainting here. There.were.two.lines. Which, according to the very self-explanatory picture on the stick and the box, meant I was pregnant. No way.
At this point, I had a very distinct vision of a Chicken McNugget wearing a sweater vest. When I say distinct, I mean the sweater vest was white with blue and red trim, a la Caddyshack or a 1982 senior portrait. Which made me immediately think I was pregnant with a boy. (Or maybe just really wanted Chicken McNuggets??) Then again girls can wear sweater vests too (but I really hope most don't, no offense.) Chicken nuggets don't usually don a sweater vest but I can't explain why I saw this in my head. That psych counseling really would have been enlightening.......sorry, I digress.

Back to me in the bathroom, holding this pee stick with my jaw on the floor. I hadn't told Chris that I was taking a test, and he was in bed watching TV. Here is a rundown of the conversation that followed:

Ali (calmly): "Um, honey, can you come in here please?"
Chris (sleepily): "No, I'm comfy."
Ali (a tiny sense of urgency in voice): "You really need to come in here."
Chris (still not caring at all): "Why? I'm watching SportsCenter."
Ali (more urgently): "Seriously, come in here!"
Chris (full blown annoyed now): "OMG! Why?"
Ali (growling like the gargoyles from Ghostbusters (ZOOL!): GET IN HERE NOW. (Kaylyn - you know this voice well as I have even used it on Jordan, poor guy.)

Um, I need to note here he still did not come in the bathroom. Apparently my she-devil voice didn't work that night (although, on the occasion mentioned above when I used it on Chris and Jordan, they went scurrying into the house like little kids. The point: this voice has proven to be quite effective in the past.)

I finally went to him, without a word, and showed him the stick. Long story short - he didn't believe it for one second. He didn't even believe it after the blood test. He barely believed it after the first ultrasound! But, as I've said before, I'm telling this from my point of view so I'll leave his feelings and reactions for him to share. :-)

Back to the story. (Did I actually say "long story short" a bit ago? Yeah right, this is turning into a novel, sorry!) I took another test in the morning - another positive. I called Dawn at CRM and told her the news and that I was freaking out. She immediately ordered a blood test for me at my local clinic (it was blizzarding that day and she didn't want me to drive all the way to CRM in Minneapolis.) I proceeded to check my online test results about, oh, every 2 minutes until they finally came in that afternoon. And the result.....definitely positive!!! According to this particular test, anything over 25 miU/ml was considered a positive result; my number was 1527. Two days later it was 3705. It was really true!! We were having a baby!

I had my first OB appointment the next week, where they ordered an early ultrasound, based on the struggles we had before. We went to CRM at 6 weeks for our first glimpse of our little nugget. The first thing both me and Dr. Campbell noticed was that there were very clearly TWO egg sacs. Yep, possibly twins. But, only one looked truly fertilized, so he ordered us back at 8 weeks to confirm. At that time, there was just ONE, so no twins. Dr. Campbell said this is very common, they call it a "disappearing twin". (And no, one did not "eat" the other one. Yes, we've gotten that question.) We would have been thrilled either way!!

I want to take a timeout here to point something out. Here I was, not ovulating and with a non-functioning uterus. Not only did I ovulate an egg, I ovulated TWO eggs, AND my uterus snatched one up and kept it. I don't feel so defective after all!!! AND it happened the very first time we really "tried". It felt like such a victory!

So, we have just one little guy/gal in there, but it's wonderfully healthy and growing like crazy! Dr. Campbell really had no words. He called me a show off and wanted to know my secret. :-) There are no risks, and since there were no interventions to get me here, he released me to the care of my regular OB team. We had another ultrasound last week and Baby Piha is finally starting to look like a baby! Here it is @ 11 weeks, 3 days:

Isn't it cute? :-) His/her head is on the right with it's body laying to the left, if you can't tell. I can't wait to meet him/her! We have decided to keep the sex a surprise, so I guess we'll be calling it "him/her" for awhile yet! We are due December 15th.

For the record, this pregnancy has been great so far! No morning (or anytime) sickness whatsoever. Just REALLY tired. Seriously, who knew that sitting at a desk job and in meetings all day was so exhausting? And, my boobs are so weird. I knew they'd get ruined afterwards, but already?? I also think there might be a tapeworm hiding in there with the baby - it seems I can't get enough to eat! Thankfully all my clothes still fit (for now)! Don't mistake any of this for complaining - every little thing has been worth it!!!! 

What an amazing journey this has been. It certainly isn't over, but it appears the surrogacy chapter has come to a close. You might be wondering about PS#3, and how she feels about it all. She is thrilled for us, and, let's face it, she's pretty excited for herself, because she's getting a niece or nephew out of the deal. :-) Yep, I can finally reveal that PS#3 was Chris's sister, Darial.

I know, right? Amazing. I'm actually tearing up as I write this, because nothing can ever repay the sacrifice she was willing to make for us (and that goes for PS #1 and PS#2 as well!!) Darial actually offered to carry for us from the very beginning, but having his sister carry his child was a little weird for Chris at first. But, after everything else fell through, we reconsidered and realized what an amazing gift she was giving us. And, hey, Phoebe carried her brother's babies on 'Friends' - it's not weird, right?!! It's beautiful. I also have to give a shout out to Darial's boyfriend Andrew, who was also on board for this ride and willing to do whatever was needed to be there for us and Darial. We love them both and will never forget what they were willing to do for us. Seriously, we are so incredibly blessed to have people like this in our lives.

Dari pointed out just how much of this journey has been about timing, and it's so true. There's a reason we turned her down initially. There's a reason PS#1 and PS#2 didn't work out. All along the plan was for me to get pregnant, in due time. Or at least that's what I believe.

I'll finally bring this to a close. Thank you for reading/listening! I will continue to blog, just cuz I love it. I'm sure pregnancy and motherhood will bring all sorts of adventures to write about. :-)

Love you all and THANK YOU again for your support.

Oh, and one last thing. Remember in my first blog post, when I listed all the reasons why it would be awesome to NOT be pregnant? Now I need to hear from you the reasons why being pregnant is amazing. :-)

It's a date!

Hi all! In my last post, I outlined the next steps in our journey - the SIS, trial transfer & psych testing. I'm happy to report we've set a date! May 28th! Yes, it's two months away but let me tell you - trying to coordinate the schedules of a doctor, a psychologist, and four working people is not easy - I'm just happy we're not looking into next year! :-)

This is bound to get interesting (as if it hasn't been already!) We are scheduled to be at the psych counselor's office ALL DAY on May 28th. Like, literally. Arrive at 10:45 AM and scheduled until 6 PM. (How sad is it that my very first concern with this was "um, what about lunch???") So what the heck are we going to be doing that whole time? Nothing but FUN! (I say that somewhat facetiously - I love this kind of stuff but I think it will be particularly painful for the guys. :-)

All four of us have to take the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory). In the scheduler's words, it's "the SAT's of your personality and emotions". Like I said, painful for the guys, right??! We then have three sessions with the counselor - one couples session for us, a couples session for PS#3, and then a session for all four of us. Wow! As I told PS #3, "let's get ready to get to know ourselves!!"

Don't you think all intended parents should have to do this kind of self-evaluation before having kids?? I know I've said that before, but I really think the world might be a different place if everyone had to reflect this much on if and why they really want to be parents. Just sayin'. :-) But, we're learning so much about ourselves, our marriage, and the kind of parents we want to be. It's like that saying: "out of every hardship comes opportunity." (Wait, is that a real saying, or did I make that up?) Whatever - with that being said, we're blessed!

Drumroll please........

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I last updated you - I'm so sorry to keep you hangin'!! I've had many people ask me what the heck is going on and well, up until today it was NOTHING but waiting for doctors to get back from vacations! (Ya know, I've often said that I really have no special skills or talents, but I think I'm going to add "waiting" to my list. I've practically become a professional. :-)

Finally, FINALLY, I have some news. I'm absolutely thrilled to announce that this morning I was told that PS#3 has been APPROVED!!! Not just by her doctor, but mine too. It's officially a go!!!! Now granted, we still have a long road ahead of us, but this is the farthest we've gotten with anyone and we're beyond excited!!!

So, you ask, what are the next steps? Well, like me and PS#1, PS#3 will have to get a saline infused sonogram (SIS) to rule out any uterine abnormalities. We have no reason to believe there will be any, but it's required. They will also do additional blood work and something called a "trial transfer". I had to google it, and here is what I found out:

A trial transfer is an important tool for the reproductive endocrinologist in preparation for an IVF cycle. In the trial transfer, we mimic the actual embryo transfer by passing a soft catheter into the uterine cavity to determine the angle and depth of the uterus, and to help discover if there is any difficulty in doing so in advance. This allows us to “map out” an appropriate path for the actual embryo transfer so that this procedure is done as smoothly and easily as possible.

Interesting, huh?! Thankfully, all of the above can be done in the same appointment. Additionally, they will have us do our psych testing/counseling the same day. Pretty sure we're all sane and healthy-minded but again, it's required. I'm just happy we won't have to make multiple appointments and can get a lot out of the way in one shot!

I finally feel like we're making progress!!! Thank you to everyone for all the support and I can't wait to keep you updated now that the ball is rolling!!!

I'll take what I can get......

Hi all! Just a tiny update since the last time I posted, but hey, I'll take it!

Turns out we DON'T have to wait for PS#3 to get her period before starting this whole process! Yippee! We clarified with Dawn that her doctor can do her physical exam now - we just need her to get her period before we start any type of interventions/treatments, which we're still months away from. PS#3 just had a physical a few weeks ago, so all her doctor has to do is fill out some paperwork, which she was going to do today.

It feels good to not be at a standstill! Now we just need Dr. Campbell to agree that she's a perfect candidate. If he does, we'll be farther (further? farther? For the sake of not being grammatcially correct, I'll say both!) along in the process than we've ever been. Exciting!!

PS #3

It's been awhile since I've posted - sorry for the delay! I think part of me just needed time to let things settle before picking back up again, but many of you have been anxiously awaiting updates, so here goes!

You probably gathered by this post's title that we have another potential surrogate! Let me introduce you to PS#3. :-)

(Sidebar: this is actually our 6th potential surrogate. Yes - SIXTH. However, I've only fully discussed those that have made it as far as working with their doctors. Just a little clarification so you have a bit more insight into how much we need to catch a break, SERIOUSLY. For the sake of my sanity, I hope the 6th time's a charm!!!)

Anyway - PS#3 is another person very close to us; someone we know well and trust completely. How amazingly blessed are we that we've had not one, not two, but SIX people in our lives offer to do this for us; three of which have been full speed ahead?? Trust me, this fact is not lost on me. Dawn (the coordinator at CRM) was in utter disbelief when I told her we had another PS. She said most people can't even find one, let alone three! (Well, six, but she doesn't even know about the first three attempts.) In Dawn's words, it is "a true testament of how loved we must be, to have so many people in our lives who want to help us in this way." I didn't even know what to say to that - it's very humbling. We are blessed and not a day goes by without me realizing it.

I'm really good at getting off track, aren't I?? Back to PS#3. I can't give full disclosure at this point, but the great news is that her doctor has already fully signed off on her being our carrier. According to her doctor, there is no medical reason why she couldn't do it - she's completely healthy, had a healthy pregnancy and delivery, carried to term (and then some - she was overdue!), and has never had any type of medical procedure, surgery, disease, etc. that would be cause for concern - yay!!

So where does this leave us? In the short term, it leaves us with more WAITING. (I love waiting. Waiting is my favorite! Is there anything better??) PS#3 recently went off birth control, and is now waiting to get her period. Once that happens, her doctor can perform the necessary physical exam, which will be sent to Dr. Campbell for approval. At this point, then, we're primarily waiting for Mother Nature. :-) Unfortunately, most of the steps in this whole process must be done in sequential order, so we're at somewhat of a standstill until PS#3 starts cycling again. So, everyone, pray for Aunt Flo to hurry up and arrive so we can get this show on the road! :-) (Did I really just call a period "Aunt Flo"?? Have I regressed to 1950? Maybe all this waiting is actually making me travel backwards in time......)

Speaking of time travel - did any of you ever read "The Time Traveler's Wife? It took me a bit to wrap my head around it, but I ended up enjoying it! I also can't wait to read "11/22/63" by Stephen King, which also involves time travel, from what I've heard/read. Maybe I should start another blog about books. If I did, my first entry would be called "50 Shades of the WORST Writing EVER". Wait, I'm getting off track again - sorry!

Back to the topic at hand - I feel confident that Dr. Campbell will find no reason NOT to approve PS#3, so while we wait, we've been looking for things we can do to prepare for next steps. PS#3 and I reviewed her insurance policy, and found that her insurance will actually cover surrogacy!!!! She even called and confirmed it, just to be sure - I was ecstatic!! This will save us a HUGE amount of money. As I've mentioned in a previous post, a carrier is required to have insurance that covers surrogacy. If they don't, we would have to purchase a plan for them that does (which we would have had to do with both PS#1 and PS#2.) I hate thinking about our future child/children in terms of money, but that's the reality of our situation. The fact that she already has insurance is a huge weight lifted off our shoulders.

I also started looking for surrogacy lawyers, and found one I'm very interested in contacting when the time comes. Other than that, there's not much we can do but wait and hope for the best. Fingers crossed!!!!!

Starting Over

Hi all, and Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

First off - it's really hard to title these posts without them being "spoiler alerts".......I think this one's pretty much a dead giveaway, so I'll just get right to it.

I found out last Thursday that PS#2 is no longer an option, because her OB/GYN/midwife won't approve and won't sign off on her being our carrier. :-( Her main concern is PS#2's history of aneurysm, and the fact that pregnancy weakens the blood vessels. She also had concerns about her carrying multiples, considering one of her single-baby pregnancies didn't go to full term. I understand her reasoning, of course, and I accept that we can't proceed. And, I'm eternally grateful that they offered. But..........

&#*$%^*%$#@!!!! Can't we just catch a break??!

With this news I was morphed into an emotional wreck. The floodgates were opened, as they say. Meltdown. Like, the ugly crying where your eyes swell up and your nose runs and your face contorts into something you'd see on 'The Hills Have Eyes'. FINALLY. Oh, and I had just come from a laser appointment so my face was already beet red and swollen - might as well add mascara and snot to the mix, huh? There went my plans to go to Kohl's and use my newest coupon on nothing I really need (divine intervention? Chris might say so, ha!) Bless the fellow drivers who saw me on France Avenue last week for not calling the police or trying to run me off the road out of fear of what they were seeing. Trying to pull it together at every stoplight just wasn't worth it. I NEEDED this meltdown, dammit!

It was hard to believe that in such a short time our hopes were so high with not one, but TWO options. Then, just two short weeks later, we were left with nothing. Or at least that's how it felt. I know it's not over, but there's a feeling of hopelessness that comes over me from time to time.

There are many of you out there that I almost called to talk, but I just couldn't. What is there to say? I just couldn't say or hear "it's all meant to be" in that moment (not to in any way begrudge someone who might say that.) After my little outburst I was just empty, so I went home and zombied out to my DVR instead. A good distraction until Chris got home from work. But, let me offer you a word of advice: when you can't have kids and need someone to do it for you, do NOT watch Sister Wives. Trust me.

Anyway, it felt good to let myself cry and be pissed for awhile. And by awhile I mean 24 hours, tops. Ain't nobody got time for dat! (Please tell me you've all seen the news clip with the lady saying this about her apartment fire. It's hilarious. Not hilarious that her house was on fire, but hilarious in the way she described it - just to be clear.) You know me - no time for dwelling on the negative! Time to "get back on the horse"! (I'm saying this with a bit of sarcasm, but it's true!)

So, you might be wondering - what kind of horse do we get on from here?? We wonder the same thing. And we'll figure it out. At this point we have no other "personal" options - meaning, no other people that we already know personally. I've had so many people say they'd do it if they were younger, or already had children of their own, or had a uterus of their own. It's so nice to know people genuinely want to help us, but may not be in the position to do so. We understand that and very much appreciate the sentiment. So THANK YOU to those that have told me such things!!!

I've been browsing the surrogate classified ads and I'm excited to say there are a lot of nice and seemingly normal people out there wanting to help those of us in need of a carrier. There's definitely potential. We're going to explore our options before going with the agency, and see where that path takes us.

More to come!!

Here we go again!!!

I'm in much better spirits today so I'm hoping this won't be as "bah-humbug" as my last post!

As I mentioned before, Chris and I had plans to see PS#2 and her husband last weekend. Unfortunately, those plans were at a public event and well, it wasn't really the time or place for a topic this heavy! Thankfully, we were able to chat at least a little bit - long enough for her to tell me that they're still on board (yay!) However, she did admit they are a little concerned about carrying multiples (understandably - that would make anyone a little nervous, I'm sure!) I expressed my worries that they were having second thoughts but she assured me they weren't. Still, I spent the rest of the weekend and yesterday feeling very scared that they might change their mind, since there is a realistic chance we might just get more than one baby. As I told her - we're not TRYING for multiples. We just want a baby. Yet, it's very likely that we will transfer more than one embryo, so the possibility of having twins is very real. I've mentioned in previous posts that the number we transfer will depend on many things but we definitely have limits. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Anyway - I've been preparing myself for a change of heart. I connected with her today and she again assured me that they are not having second thoughts, and they already had a call out to her neurosurgeon to approve. Wait a second. You're probably thinking: "Neurosurgeon?? Why would neuro be involved?!" Let me explain.

We have a bit of a unique situation with PS #2, in that she suffered a brain aneurysm several years ago. It was a really close call and needless to say, she is closely monitored by her neurologist and neurosurgeon. (I could start a whole 'nother blog about how scary that day was. I'm SO thankful that she's still here with us, and not just because she's offering to have a baby for us!!) It's important to all of us that her brain doctors are comfortable with this whole situation before we go any further in this process, obviously.

Well, we already heard back, and, the answer is YES! PS#2 texted me this afternoon to let me know that her neurosurgeon has no problem at all with her being a surrogate. I'm ecstatic!!!!! She told me to go ahead and have the paperwork sent to her. AHH!!! I'm beyond thrilled that we're exploring another avenue just one short week after getting the bad news about PS#1. I really did think it would take longer for PS#2 to get the go-ahead. Finally, something with a quick turnaround! :-)

Excited as I am, I have to again be patient. Dawn will be sending "the packet" to PS#2 and then we wait. And wait some more. But I can't complain right now; I'm too happy.

Back to square 1.5.......

Happy Friday!

I'll start by saying thanks again to everyone for supporting us in this, and for being there for me in the "aftermath" of receiving the news that PS #1 is not going to work out. ("Aftermath" sounds so dramatic, but I'm too lazy to look up other options on thesaurus.com like I usually do. :-) I'm doing okay. No emotional outbursts or tears yet, isn't that great (insert sarcasm)?! I'm really skilled at not FEELING my feelings and just trucking forward with life as if everything is just fine and dandy. It's not a talent I'm necessarily proud of. Sure, it might appear to make me more resilient and adaptable. (And I do pride myself on not being a drama queen or falling apart over every little challenge.) But, I know it's a detriment to both my emotional and physical health. I fully realize that I'm allowed to feel what I feel, and to cry sometimes, and bla bla bla. And I want to! Believe me - it'll come, and it will more than likely be after a few glasses of wine. So, whoever's having wine night with me next, look out - you've been warned. :-) Stacy - if you're reading this - I'm working on not being such a control freak, I promise!! (Yes, I shared my blog with my counselor - that has to count for something, right?! Love you Stacy!)

Anyway - I've been taking the last couple days to let things sink in. I think PS#1 needed that too. She really feels that she was meant to do this for us, and feels that it's part of her life's path (her words!), so it's been hard for both of us to absorb the news that she can't (or, more accurately, shouldn't). I too wish things could be different. I'm absolutely touched that she feels so strongly about helping us. She tells us our baby will be lucky to have us as parents, but I feel like the lucky one to have people like her in our life! It's hard to give up on them and try to move on, but I'm not sure we have any other choice. Dr. Campbell won't risk it, and I don't want to find another doctor for another opinion because we'd have to start from scratch. Especially when we still have PS#2..........

Many of you have been asking me about PS#2, and if she's still an option. The short answer is yes. Chris and I will be seeing her and her husband this weekend, so we're planning to discuss it more then. We'll see where those discussions take us!

The "Big Day" (Later)......

So I know many of you have been anxiously awaiting the results of today's appointment, so I'll just get right to it. It's a NO. :-( PS#1 is officially "out of the running", as you might say. I've been sitting on this news for the last 6 hours trying to figure out what I'm feeling, and I just don't really know. On the way home, I just felt numb. And maybe I still am. I haven't cried. Is that good or bad? In fact, I haven't actually spoken one word to anyone since I left the doctor's office other than "thank you" to the guy at Sam's Club who rang up my k-cups (sidebar: did you know that Sam's Club now has their own super cheap brand of K-cups?! I thought they were worth a try - I'll let you know how they are.) Sorry, I'm really good at distracting myself from things I don't want to think about. Oops, I lied. I also talked to Chris, of course. I hate always being the bearer of bad news, and more than anything, I hate when he is sad. But, to stay true to my blog's purpose, I won't speak for him or his feelings. But of course he's sad - that goes without saying. We both are.

Ya know how earlier today I said I was trying to prepare myself for a "NO"? Well, I didn't realize until we got the news just how much I was truly convinced that PS#1 was "the one"; that this was all meant to be, and that somehow, my doctor would be proven wrong and we could move on to the next step.

You might be wondering, WHY? Long story short - PS#1 has some scar tissue in her uterus that, if she were to become pregnant, would put her at risk for miscarrying and worse, hemorrhaging (EEK!). Sure, there are risks in any pregnancy, but in a situation like this, we need to have an optimal "hospitable" uterus, to keep everyone safe and healthy. I understand completely why Dr. Campbell won't sign off. But it doesn't make it any easier.

When Dr. Campbell left the room, PS #1 said to me: "whatever's meant to be, right Al?" It's something we've been saying to each other from the beginning. It's so true. Or at least I hope it's true. I keep telling myself that. There has to be plan in all this, right? I even gave a homeless man two dollars before the appointment as an act of good karma, c'mon! (To which he responded by proposing marriage to me. Oddly enough, Chris didn't get even a little jealous, hmmm.......)

I will remain positive. Anyone who knows me knows I can't stand a Negative Nelly, but I think I need to give myself a bit more room to feel things other than sunshine and rainbows. I know this journey is not over; we just have to back-track a bit. But for right now, I'm just waiting for my husband to get home from work so we can give each other a big hug. And I might even let myself get pissed at the world, at least for a minute or two.

Thanks again for all your support. Love you all!

The "Big Day"!

January 8th!! The big day is here. We're three hours away from appointment time but I felt compelled to write. THANK YOU to everyone for the texts, calls, emails and FB messages today, and for all the well wishes, prayers, and crossed fingers (and other body parts.) It means so much to have your support!!

I'm cautiously optimistic for today's results. I don't want to get my hopes up, and I'm trying to prepare myself for hearing "NO". But, seeing the glass half-empty just isn't my style, so it's hard for me to think anything but positive thoughts! Regardless of the outcome, I'm blessed to have this selfless person in my life, who's willing to put her body through all sorts of rigamarole for us to achieve our dream of becoming parents.

More to come..........