Starting Over

Hi all, and Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

First off - it's really hard to title these posts without them being "spoiler alerts".......I think this one's pretty much a dead giveaway, so I'll just get right to it.

I found out last Thursday that PS#2 is no longer an option, because her OB/GYN/midwife won't approve and won't sign off on her being our carrier. :-( Her main concern is PS#2's history of aneurysm, and the fact that pregnancy weakens the blood vessels. She also had concerns about her carrying multiples, considering one of her single-baby pregnancies didn't go to full term. I understand her reasoning, of course, and I accept that we can't proceed. And, I'm eternally grateful that they offered. But..........

&#*$%^*%$#@!!!! Can't we just catch a break??!

With this news I was morphed into an emotional wreck. The floodgates were opened, as they say. Meltdown. Like, the ugly crying where your eyes swell up and your nose runs and your face contorts into something you'd see on 'The Hills Have Eyes'. FINALLY. Oh, and I had just come from a laser appointment so my face was already beet red and swollen - might as well add mascara and snot to the mix, huh? There went my plans to go to Kohl's and use my newest coupon on nothing I really need (divine intervention? Chris might say so, ha!) Bless the fellow drivers who saw me on France Avenue last week for not calling the police or trying to run me off the road out of fear of what they were seeing. Trying to pull it together at every stoplight just wasn't worth it. I NEEDED this meltdown, dammit!

It was hard to believe that in such a short time our hopes were so high with not one, but TWO options. Then, just two short weeks later, we were left with nothing. Or at least that's how it felt. I know it's not over, but there's a feeling of hopelessness that comes over me from time to time.

There are many of you out there that I almost called to talk, but I just couldn't. What is there to say? I just couldn't say or hear "it's all meant to be" in that moment (not to in any way begrudge someone who might say that.) After my little outburst I was just empty, so I went home and zombied out to my DVR instead. A good distraction until Chris got home from work. But, let me offer you a word of advice: when you can't have kids and need someone to do it for you, do NOT watch Sister Wives. Trust me.

Anyway, it felt good to let myself cry and be pissed for awhile. And by awhile I mean 24 hours, tops. Ain't nobody got time for dat! (Please tell me you've all seen the news clip with the lady saying this about her apartment fire. It's hilarious. Not hilarious that her house was on fire, but hilarious in the way she described it - just to be clear.) You know me - no time for dwelling on the negative! Time to "get back on the horse"! (I'm saying this with a bit of sarcasm, but it's true!)

So, you might be wondering - what kind of horse do we get on from here?? We wonder the same thing. And we'll figure it out. At this point we have no other "personal" options - meaning, no other people that we already know personally. I've had so many people say they'd do it if they were younger, or already had children of their own, or had a uterus of their own. It's so nice to know people genuinely want to help us, but may not be in the position to do so. We understand that and very much appreciate the sentiment. So THANK YOU to those that have told me such things!!!

I've been browsing the surrogate classified ads and I'm excited to say there are a lot of nice and seemingly normal people out there wanting to help those of us in need of a carrier. There's definitely potential. We're going to explore our options before going with the agency, and see where that path takes us.

More to come!!

Here we go again!!!

I'm in much better spirits today so I'm hoping this won't be as "bah-humbug" as my last post!

As I mentioned before, Chris and I had plans to see PS#2 and her husband last weekend. Unfortunately, those plans were at a public event and well, it wasn't really the time or place for a topic this heavy! Thankfully, we were able to chat at least a little bit - long enough for her to tell me that they're still on board (yay!) However, she did admit they are a little concerned about carrying multiples (understandably - that would make anyone a little nervous, I'm sure!) I expressed my worries that they were having second thoughts but she assured me they weren't. Still, I spent the rest of the weekend and yesterday feeling very scared that they might change their mind, since there is a realistic chance we might just get more than one baby. As I told her - we're not TRYING for multiples. We just want a baby. Yet, it's very likely that we will transfer more than one embryo, so the possibility of having twins is very real. I've mentioned in previous posts that the number we transfer will depend on many things but we definitely have limits. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Anyway - I've been preparing myself for a change of heart. I connected with her today and she again assured me that they are not having second thoughts, and they already had a call out to her neurosurgeon to approve. Wait a second. You're probably thinking: "Neurosurgeon?? Why would neuro be involved?!" Let me explain.

We have a bit of a unique situation with PS #2, in that she suffered a brain aneurysm several years ago. It was a really close call and needless to say, she is closely monitored by her neurologist and neurosurgeon. (I could start a whole 'nother blog about how scary that day was. I'm SO thankful that she's still here with us, and not just because she's offering to have a baby for us!!) It's important to all of us that her brain doctors are comfortable with this whole situation before we go any further in this process, obviously.

Well, we already heard back, and, the answer is YES! PS#2 texted me this afternoon to let me know that her neurosurgeon has no problem at all with her being a surrogate. I'm ecstatic!!!!! She told me to go ahead and have the paperwork sent to her. AHH!!! I'm beyond thrilled that we're exploring another avenue just one short week after getting the bad news about PS#1. I really did think it would take longer for PS#2 to get the go-ahead. Finally, something with a quick turnaround! :-)

Excited as I am, I have to again be patient. Dawn will be sending "the packet" to PS#2 and then we wait. And wait some more. But I can't complain right now; I'm too happy.

Back to square 1.5.......

Happy Friday!

I'll start by saying thanks again to everyone for supporting us in this, and for being there for me in the "aftermath" of receiving the news that PS #1 is not going to work out. ("Aftermath" sounds so dramatic, but I'm too lazy to look up other options on thesaurus.com like I usually do. :-) I'm doing okay. No emotional outbursts or tears yet, isn't that great (insert sarcasm)?! I'm really skilled at not FEELING my feelings and just trucking forward with life as if everything is just fine and dandy. It's not a talent I'm necessarily proud of. Sure, it might appear to make me more resilient and adaptable. (And I do pride myself on not being a drama queen or falling apart over every little challenge.) But, I know it's a detriment to both my emotional and physical health. I fully realize that I'm allowed to feel what I feel, and to cry sometimes, and bla bla bla. And I want to! Believe me - it'll come, and it will more than likely be after a few glasses of wine. So, whoever's having wine night with me next, look out - you've been warned. :-) Stacy - if you're reading this - I'm working on not being such a control freak, I promise!! (Yes, I shared my blog with my counselor - that has to count for something, right?! Love you Stacy!)

Anyway - I've been taking the last couple days to let things sink in. I think PS#1 needed that too. She really feels that she was meant to do this for us, and feels that it's part of her life's path (her words!), so it's been hard for both of us to absorb the news that she can't (or, more accurately, shouldn't). I too wish things could be different. I'm absolutely touched that she feels so strongly about helping us. She tells us our baby will be lucky to have us as parents, but I feel like the lucky one to have people like her in our life! It's hard to give up on them and try to move on, but I'm not sure we have any other choice. Dr. Campbell won't risk it, and I don't want to find another doctor for another opinion because we'd have to start from scratch. Especially when we still have PS#2..........

Many of you have been asking me about PS#2, and if she's still an option. The short answer is yes. Chris and I will be seeing her and her husband this weekend, so we're planning to discuss it more then. We'll see where those discussions take us!

The "Big Day" (Later)......

So I know many of you have been anxiously awaiting the results of today's appointment, so I'll just get right to it. It's a NO. :-( PS#1 is officially "out of the running", as you might say. I've been sitting on this news for the last 6 hours trying to figure out what I'm feeling, and I just don't really know. On the way home, I just felt numb. And maybe I still am. I haven't cried. Is that good or bad? In fact, I haven't actually spoken one word to anyone since I left the doctor's office other than "thank you" to the guy at Sam's Club who rang up my k-cups (sidebar: did you know that Sam's Club now has their own super cheap brand of K-cups?! I thought they were worth a try - I'll let you know how they are.) Sorry, I'm really good at distracting myself from things I don't want to think about. Oops, I lied. I also talked to Chris, of course. I hate always being the bearer of bad news, and more than anything, I hate when he is sad. But, to stay true to my blog's purpose, I won't speak for him or his feelings. But of course he's sad - that goes without saying. We both are.

Ya know how earlier today I said I was trying to prepare myself for a "NO"? Well, I didn't realize until we got the news just how much I was truly convinced that PS#1 was "the one"; that this was all meant to be, and that somehow, my doctor would be proven wrong and we could move on to the next step.

You might be wondering, WHY? Long story short - PS#1 has some scar tissue in her uterus that, if she were to become pregnant, would put her at risk for miscarrying and worse, hemorrhaging (EEK!). Sure, there are risks in any pregnancy, but in a situation like this, we need to have an optimal "hospitable" uterus, to keep everyone safe and healthy. I understand completely why Dr. Campbell won't sign off. But it doesn't make it any easier.

When Dr. Campbell left the room, PS #1 said to me: "whatever's meant to be, right Al?" It's something we've been saying to each other from the beginning. It's so true. Or at least I hope it's true. I keep telling myself that. There has to be plan in all this, right? I even gave a homeless man two dollars before the appointment as an act of good karma, c'mon! (To which he responded by proposing marriage to me. Oddly enough, Chris didn't get even a little jealous, hmmm.......)

I will remain positive. Anyone who knows me knows I can't stand a Negative Nelly, but I think I need to give myself a bit more room to feel things other than sunshine and rainbows. I know this journey is not over; we just have to back-track a bit. But for right now, I'm just waiting for my husband to get home from work so we can give each other a big hug. And I might even let myself get pissed at the world, at least for a minute or two.

Thanks again for all your support. Love you all!

The "Big Day"!

January 8th!! The big day is here. We're three hours away from appointment time but I felt compelled to write. THANK YOU to everyone for the texts, calls, emails and FB messages today, and for all the well wishes, prayers, and crossed fingers (and other body parts.) It means so much to have your support!!

I'm cautiously optimistic for today's results. I don't want to get my hopes up, and I'm trying to prepare myself for hearing "NO". But, seeing the glass half-empty just isn't my style, so it's hard for me to think anything but positive thoughts! Regardless of the outcome, I'm blessed to have this selfless person in my life, who's willing to put her body through all sorts of rigamarole for us to achieve our dream of becoming parents.

More to come..........