Starting Over

Hi all, and Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

First off - it's really hard to title these posts without them being "spoiler alerts".......I think this one's pretty much a dead giveaway, so I'll just get right to it.

I found out last Thursday that PS#2 is no longer an option, because her OB/GYN/midwife won't approve and won't sign off on her being our carrier. :-( Her main concern is PS#2's history of aneurysm, and the fact that pregnancy weakens the blood vessels. She also had concerns about her carrying multiples, considering one of her single-baby pregnancies didn't go to full term. I understand her reasoning, of course, and I accept that we can't proceed. And, I'm eternally grateful that they offered. But..........

&#*$%^*%$#@!!!! Can't we just catch a break??!

With this news I was morphed into an emotional wreck. The floodgates were opened, as they say. Meltdown. Like, the ugly crying where your eyes swell up and your nose runs and your face contorts into something you'd see on 'The Hills Have Eyes'. FINALLY. Oh, and I had just come from a laser appointment so my face was already beet red and swollen - might as well add mascara and snot to the mix, huh? There went my plans to go to Kohl's and use my newest coupon on nothing I really need (divine intervention? Chris might say so, ha!) Bless the fellow drivers who saw me on France Avenue last week for not calling the police or trying to run me off the road out of fear of what they were seeing. Trying to pull it together at every stoplight just wasn't worth it. I NEEDED this meltdown, dammit!

It was hard to believe that in such a short time our hopes were so high with not one, but TWO options. Then, just two short weeks later, we were left with nothing. Or at least that's how it felt. I know it's not over, but there's a feeling of hopelessness that comes over me from time to time.

There are many of you out there that I almost called to talk, but I just couldn't. What is there to say? I just couldn't say or hear "it's all meant to be" in that moment (not to in any way begrudge someone who might say that.) After my little outburst I was just empty, so I went home and zombied out to my DVR instead. A good distraction until Chris got home from work. But, let me offer you a word of advice: when you can't have kids and need someone to do it for you, do NOT watch Sister Wives. Trust me.

Anyway, it felt good to let myself cry and be pissed for awhile. And by awhile I mean 24 hours, tops. Ain't nobody got time for dat! (Please tell me you've all seen the news clip with the lady saying this about her apartment fire. It's hilarious. Not hilarious that her house was on fire, but hilarious in the way she described it - just to be clear.) You know me - no time for dwelling on the negative! Time to "get back on the horse"! (I'm saying this with a bit of sarcasm, but it's true!)

So, you might be wondering - what kind of horse do we get on from here?? We wonder the same thing. And we'll figure it out. At this point we have no other "personal" options - meaning, no other people that we already know personally. I've had so many people say they'd do it if they were younger, or already had children of their own, or had a uterus of their own. It's so nice to know people genuinely want to help us, but may not be in the position to do so. We understand that and very much appreciate the sentiment. So THANK YOU to those that have told me such things!!!

I've been browsing the surrogate classified ads and I'm excited to say there are a lot of nice and seemingly normal people out there wanting to help those of us in need of a carrier. There's definitely potential. We're going to explore our options before going with the agency, and see where that path takes us.

More to come!!