So I know many of you have been anxiously awaiting the results of today's appointment, so I'll just get right to it. It's a NO. :-( PS#1 is officially "out of the running", as you might say. I've been sitting on this news for the last 6 hours trying to figure out what I'm feeling, and I just don't really know. On the way home, I just felt numb. And maybe I still am. I haven't cried. Is that good or bad? In fact, I haven't actually spoken one word to anyone since I left the doctor's office other than "thank you" to the guy at Sam's Club who rang up my k-cups (sidebar: did you know that Sam's Club now has their own super cheap brand of K-cups?! I thought they were worth a try - I'll let you know how they are.) Sorry, I'm really good at distracting myself from things I don't want to think about. Oops, I lied. I also talked to Chris, of course. I hate always being the bearer of bad news, and more than anything, I hate when he is sad. But, to stay true to my blog's purpose, I won't speak for him or his feelings. But of course he's sad - that goes without saying. We both are.
Ya know how earlier today I said I was trying to prepare myself for a "NO"? Well, I didn't realize until we got the news just how much I was truly convinced that PS#1 was "the one"; that this was all meant to be, and that somehow, my doctor would be proven wrong and we could move on to the next step.
You might be wondering, WHY? Long story short - PS#1 has some scar tissue in her uterus that, if she were to become pregnant, would put her at risk for miscarrying and worse, hemorrhaging (EEK!). Sure, there are risks in any pregnancy, but in a situation like this, we need to have an optimal "hospitable" uterus, to keep everyone safe and healthy. I understand completely why Dr. Campbell won't sign off. But it doesn't make it any easier.
When Dr. Campbell left the room, PS #1 said to me: "whatever's meant to be, right Al?" It's something we've been saying to each other from the beginning. It's so true. Or at least I hope it's true. I keep telling myself that. There has to be plan in all this, right? I even gave a homeless man two dollars before the appointment as an act of good karma, c'mon! (To which he responded by proposing marriage to me. Oddly enough, Chris didn't get even a little jealous, hmmm.......)
I will remain positive. Anyone who knows me knows I can't stand a Negative Nelly, but I think I need to give myself a bit more room to feel things other than sunshine and rainbows. I know this journey is not over; we just have to back-track a bit. But for right now, I'm just waiting for my husband to get home from work so we can give each other a big hug. And I might even let myself get pissed at the world, at least for a minute or two.
Thanks again for all your support. Love you all!
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