I just have to give a shout out to my mom (as much as she'll probably hate this!!)
Mom called me last night to tell me she saw an article about a 60-year old woman who carried her daughter's child, and that, even though she's almost 65, she's wants to talk to her oncologist (yes, oncologist - she has breast cancer for crying out loud!) to see if she could carry our baby.
Mom - you have no idea what that meant to me. And even though I'd never let you do it, I can't even express how loved you made me feel in that moment. As always, you're completely selfless. THANK YOU. I love you.
(And we won't mention how weirded out Chris was at the thought of his mother-in-law carrying our baby..... :-)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Internal struggle....
Hello all! As I mentioned in my last post, Chris and I received the big ol' application from the agency. Man, this thing really makes a person examine themselves, not only as an intended parent, but as a person. One of the hardest questions for me to answer has been: would we consider a surrogate of a different race/culture/religion/sexual orientation?
Hmm. Wow. These are not things you have to consider when having kids the "traditional" way, ya know?! This question is seriously a struggle for me. I have many people in my life with backgrounds that differ greatly from my own, and I love that about them. I have straight friends, gay friends, Muslim friends, Buddhist friends, black/white/yellow - you name it - and I accept, love and value them all. I love to learn about their beliefs, their customs, their families. Is it terrible, however, that from the beginning of this I always pictured our match to be a white, boring married couple like us, who preferably didn't worship the devil? (All joking aside, I did tell Zara I needed our surrogate to at least believe in God......)
I'm writing this post at my own risk of sounding like a terrible person - I know that. Am I a terrible person? Am I being racist (ugh, just that word is so ugly!)? Or am I just looking for someone we have the most in common with, which would make an already difficult situation a little bit easier? I'd like to think that. I'm pretty sure no one who knows me would label me in this way, but this is what this question makes me feel like (or, more so, the answer). (Note to self: do NOT add this to my list of reasons why it'll be great to have someone else carry our child - this part sucks.......) I think the most important thing is for us to be completely honest with the agency and with ourselves, as this might be one of the biggest decisions of our lives (that sounds so dramatic - but, well, it's true!) I just don't know the answers yet.......
For all that this takes out of me, I'm getting just as much in return. As hard as it is sometimes, I truly feel that we're going through it for a reason and we'll come out stronger. I'm feeling now, more then ever, the unconditional love and support of our family and friends. I'm learning so much about myself, my husband, and what kind of life we want for ourselves and our future children. This process is forcing us to consider things we may have never thought of otherwise, and I'm thankful for that. Seriously, it might not be a bad idea for ALL couples to be asking themselves some of these questions before starting a family. :-)
Not sure if Chris is as excited about all this "self-examination" as I am, but I'm a nerd and love anything that helps me grow intellectually and emotionally. Pretty sure I keep self-help books in business. :-) Staying positive!
Hmm. Wow. These are not things you have to consider when having kids the "traditional" way, ya know?! This question is seriously a struggle for me. I have many people in my life with backgrounds that differ greatly from my own, and I love that about them. I have straight friends, gay friends, Muslim friends, Buddhist friends, black/white/yellow - you name it - and I accept, love and value them all. I love to learn about their beliefs, their customs, their families. Is it terrible, however, that from the beginning of this I always pictured our match to be a white, boring married couple like us, who preferably didn't worship the devil? (All joking aside, I did tell Zara I needed our surrogate to at least believe in God......)
I'm writing this post at my own risk of sounding like a terrible person - I know that. Am I a terrible person? Am I being racist (ugh, just that word is so ugly!)? Or am I just looking for someone we have the most in common with, which would make an already difficult situation a little bit easier? I'd like to think that. I'm pretty sure no one who knows me would label me in this way, but this is what this question makes me feel like (or, more so, the answer). (Note to self: do NOT add this to my list of reasons why it'll be great to have someone else carry our child - this part sucks.......) I think the most important thing is for us to be completely honest with the agency and with ourselves, as this might be one of the biggest decisions of our lives (that sounds so dramatic - but, well, it's true!) I just don't know the answers yet.......
For all that this takes out of me, I'm getting just as much in return. As hard as it is sometimes, I truly feel that we're going through it for a reason and we'll come out stronger. I'm feeling now, more then ever, the unconditional love and support of our family and friends. I'm learning so much about myself, my husband, and what kind of life we want for ourselves and our future children. This process is forcing us to consider things we may have never thought of otherwise, and I'm thankful for that. Seriously, it might not be a bad idea for ALL couples to be asking themselves some of these questions before starting a family. :-)
Not sure if Chris is as excited about all this "self-examination" as I am, but I'm a nerd and love anything that helps me grow intellectually and emotionally. Pretty sure I keep self-help books in business. :-) Staying positive!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
A note of thanks......
I wanted to send a quick note of thanks to all of you reading this. Thank you for the e-mails, texts, Facebook messages, phone calls, and comments on this blog. Your positive feedback and support mean more to me than you'll ever know, and totally make up for any insensitive comment I've heard thus far, which thankfully are very few and far between. I just have to share my personal favorite though: "Ali, (insert condescending tone here) - having a childless life is NOT that bad." Um, this person has a daughter. How can she speak to living a childless life??? If she prefers the life she had before her child than I feel really sorry for her kid.
Anyway - THANK YOU again for all your support. Again I'm reminded of how blessed we are to have wonderful people in our lives who are thinking of and praying for us, or just willing to listen to our story!
Not much new for updates - I received the application from Family Source Consultants and am looking it over - Chris and I have a lot to think about before "officially" completing it. Once we submit it to them, we are eligible for matching!!
Stay tuned!
Anyway - THANK YOU again for all your support. Again I'm reminded of how blessed we are to have wonderful people in our lives who are thinking of and praying for us, or just willing to listen to our story!
Not much new for updates - I received the application from Family Source Consultants and am looking it over - Chris and I have a lot to think about before "officially" completing it. Once we submit it to them, we are eligible for matching!!
Stay tuned!
Friday, October 19, 2012
Finding the perfect match......
Happy Friday all!
Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback! I've already gotten several questions - namely, how does one go about finding a surrogate?? This was our question exactly.
We are lucky in that the Center for Reproductive Medicine (CRM) has a Gestational Surrogacy program, complete with coordinators and financial counselors (cuz let me tell you - this journey is NOT cheap and VERY complicated! If there's anything I've realized, it's that pregnancy is truly a miracle and I totally took the idea of it for granted.) They help us coordinate everything that's involved with surrogacy, including the medical testing, psychological testing (for us, the GS, and her partner), legal counseling (both sides have to have independent legal counsel), IVF (for "harvesting" my eggs), the drug regimens (for both me and GS getting ready for the IVF and transfer), the contracts, the financials, and all the other little (ha!) things that go into this.
The very first step was reading the booklet about what GS would all entail. OMG. It was so overwhelming, I literally threw it across the room when I first read it and thought "who in their right mind would EVER agree to do something like this??" (And meanly, I admit, I started thinking that maybe if I just quit my job, moved to a trailer park and started smoking meth, I'd probably get pregnant tomorrow. No offense to anyone who's done those things, well, except maybe the meth part.) But I won't even get into how unfair all of this seems. I could make myself crazy thinking of all the "undeserving" people who've had no problems getting pregnant when they don't even want a child and/or aren't equipped to take care of one. But I digress......
Dawn (the GS program coordinator) and Dr. Campbell told us that it would be ideal if we could find a surrogate on our own; meaning, a friend, family member, or anyone else who knows us and wouldn't charge us a fee. Ha! It seems so simple, but it's SO not. How do you go about asking someone to borrow their womb for 10 months, in addition to the 4-6 months of preparation involved (IF the cycle "takes" on the first try)?! I refused. I would never want to put someone on the spot like that or put them in the position to say no and feel terrible about it. So, I went into denial instead - it was so much easier than actually facing the giant mountain ahead of us. I took a good few weeks and just ignored the whole situation altogether.
I also decided to wait to see if we got any offers. :-) And.....we DID! I won't name any names here, but we had not one, but five people in our lives who very seriously considered doing this for us. (And even a few more who, even though the knew they'd never qualify due to medical reasons, offered anyway.) For dozens of reasons (some on their parts, some on ours), none of them were the right match for us.
I want to take a moment to acknowledge these people (you know who you are!!) I cannot even begin to express how grateful we are that they would even consider giving us a gift such as this. We will never be able to properly thank you for loving us enough to even offer. It's so very humbling and makes me realize how incredibly blessed we are to have the support network we do. And for those that didn't work out for their own reasons - please don't feel bad. I feel very strongly that what's meant to be will be, and for whatever reason, God decided it wasn't in the cards. I still love you anyway. :-)
OK, so back to the story. I soon realized that ignoring the situation wasn't going to get us anywhere - it was time for me get moving and make things happen! I ordered a book on Amazon called "Surrogacy Was the Way: 20 Intended Mothers Tell Their Stories" by Zara Griswold and started doing A LOT of research online. I also contacted the two agencies CRM recommended to match IP's and GS's. I had a minor setback again when I got the financial packets from the first agency and realized the average cost for using them was around $100,000 - the agency fee alone is $25,000. Um, yeah. Not sure about you, but Chris and I don't have that kind of money just laying around. This is just not something I budgeted for, but if I ever get the daughter I so desperately want, I'm going to tell her to start putting money away early, just in case she needs IVF or surrogacy someday!!! :-) Seriously.
Coincidentally, the author of the book I was reading (Zara Griswold) runs the other agency CRM recommended. I have to take a moment to talk about this book. It taught me SO much about the entire process, and it was really good to hear the women's stories. What I liked about it is that it didn't sugarcoat things. Some stories were not positive - but in the end, they all had happy endings - they had babies. Zara herself used a surrogate, so she knows the process firsthand. This book also made me realize how lucky I am. Many of the women in the book were survivors of cancer and other diseases, or had abnormalities with their lady parts (or no lady parts at all) or had many, many miscarriages. I consider myself lucky that I had/have none of these things. Things can always be worse, right?!
I very quickly became a women obsessed with getting my hands on any and all information related to gestational surrogacy. I had NO idea how much was out there, and the support networks available! (And did you know there are sites for surrogate classified ads??! I didn't, and man, are they interesting!) I joined an online group (recommended by Zara in her book) and have gotten more information than I even know what to do with. Reading message boards from both IP's and GS's allowed me to feel like I'm not alone - that there are others who TRULY understand what this feels like. And, best of all, I began to feel...(dare I say it?).....excited!!! Throughout my reading and research, I really came to realize that an agency is the way I want to go. (For the record, Chris is on board with anything I decide - he just wants a baby and doesn't care if we go broke making it happen!) I feel secure in knowing that an agency specializes in this sort of thing and works with surrogates who know what they're signing up for. Yes, it's more expensive. But this isn't like we're trying to find a couch on Craigslist, ya know? And you wouldn't buy a house without using a realtor, right? (That's an analogy one IP used in the book and I liked it!) This is an immensely personal decision and not an easy one, but I feel in my gut that it's the right one. I know some people in our lives will think we're nuts for spending more money than we have to. But they're not in our shoes. There, that's all the justification I'm offering. :-)
Through my online group I started hearing many, many great things about Zara and her agency - Family Source Consultants (FSC) in Chicago. I also liked the idea of using one that was recommended by CRM, as they have been so great to work with and we trust their judgement. So, I went online and filled out the initial questionnaire, and was told I'd hear from someone within 48 hours. The next day, Zara herself called me!!! (It almost felt like a celebrity was calling me, considering I've been reading her book and researching her like crazy.) We played a bit of phone tag, but finally connected yesterday. We talked for about 20 minutes and I felt like I was talking to an old friend. I knew immediately that I wanted to move forward with her and FSC.
(If you're interested, here's a link to their website: http://www.familysourcesurrogacy.com/)
She asked some hard questions (ones Chris and I thankfully have talked about), primarily about what we're looking for in a surrogate. Perhaps the hardest question is that of selective reduction and termination. Who wants to decide before even starting this process if we'd EVER terminate the pregnancy or reduce the number of embryos if we ended up with "too many"??? It's a horrible thought. Understandably though, those are things the IP's and GS's absolutely have to agree on before going into a contract.
We also have to decide if we're open to having a surrogate who's out of state. In all actuality, I'm looking for someone who lives in a state in which their insurance covers surrogacy (most in MN do not.) If the GS doensn't have insurance, we have to purchase insurance for her - another added expense. There are also many states that are NOT "surro-friendly" - meaning the GS's name goes on the birth certificate, and the IP's have to adopt their own baby from them (even though they used their own egg & sperm and the GS has NO genetic tie to the child??!) Ridiculous. Surrogacy is even illegal in some states! Thankfully, most of the surrounding midwest states are very surro-friendly and many provide insurance coverage. We would love to be as involved as possible and attend as many appointments as we can, so finding a surrogate within a reasonable distance would be ideal. (Also, CRM requires that the GS comes to them for all psych testing and the first 8 weeks of pregnancy, and we have to cover all travel expenses - it would be much better to pay for gas than airfare!)
If we are willing to use a surrogate in California, Zara thinks we could be matched within a few weeks - she has someone who just became available who she thinks would be a great match for us. AHH!!! Definitely gives us lots to think about. Zara is sending me her profile today and we'll decide if we want to contact her and get introduced. Exciting, yet scary!!
Stay tuned!!!
Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback! I've already gotten several questions - namely, how does one go about finding a surrogate?? This was our question exactly.
We are lucky in that the Center for Reproductive Medicine (CRM) has a Gestational Surrogacy program, complete with coordinators and financial counselors (cuz let me tell you - this journey is NOT cheap and VERY complicated! If there's anything I've realized, it's that pregnancy is truly a miracle and I totally took the idea of it for granted.) They help us coordinate everything that's involved with surrogacy, including the medical testing, psychological testing (for us, the GS, and her partner), legal counseling (both sides have to have independent legal counsel), IVF (for "harvesting" my eggs), the drug regimens (for both me and GS getting ready for the IVF and transfer), the contracts, the financials, and all the other little (ha!) things that go into this.
The very first step was reading the booklet about what GS would all entail. OMG. It was so overwhelming, I literally threw it across the room when I first read it and thought "who in their right mind would EVER agree to do something like this??" (And meanly, I admit, I started thinking that maybe if I just quit my job, moved to a trailer park and started smoking meth, I'd probably get pregnant tomorrow. No offense to anyone who's done those things, well, except maybe the meth part.) But I won't even get into how unfair all of this seems. I could make myself crazy thinking of all the "undeserving" people who've had no problems getting pregnant when they don't even want a child and/or aren't equipped to take care of one. But I digress......
Dawn (the GS program coordinator) and Dr. Campbell told us that it would be ideal if we could find a surrogate on our own; meaning, a friend, family member, or anyone else who knows us and wouldn't charge us a fee. Ha! It seems so simple, but it's SO not. How do you go about asking someone to borrow their womb for 10 months, in addition to the 4-6 months of preparation involved (IF the cycle "takes" on the first try)?! I refused. I would never want to put someone on the spot like that or put them in the position to say no and feel terrible about it. So, I went into denial instead - it was so much easier than actually facing the giant mountain ahead of us. I took a good few weeks and just ignored the whole situation altogether.
I also decided to wait to see if we got any offers. :-) And.....we DID! I won't name any names here, but we had not one, but five people in our lives who very seriously considered doing this for us. (And even a few more who, even though the knew they'd never qualify due to medical reasons, offered anyway.) For dozens of reasons (some on their parts, some on ours), none of them were the right match for us.
I want to take a moment to acknowledge these people (you know who you are!!) I cannot even begin to express how grateful we are that they would even consider giving us a gift such as this. We will never be able to properly thank you for loving us enough to even offer. It's so very humbling and makes me realize how incredibly blessed we are to have the support network we do. And for those that didn't work out for their own reasons - please don't feel bad. I feel very strongly that what's meant to be will be, and for whatever reason, God decided it wasn't in the cards. I still love you anyway. :-)
OK, so back to the story. I soon realized that ignoring the situation wasn't going to get us anywhere - it was time for me get moving and make things happen! I ordered a book on Amazon called "Surrogacy Was the Way: 20 Intended Mothers Tell Their Stories" by Zara Griswold and started doing A LOT of research online. I also contacted the two agencies CRM recommended to match IP's and GS's. I had a minor setback again when I got the financial packets from the first agency and realized the average cost for using them was around $100,000 - the agency fee alone is $25,000. Um, yeah. Not sure about you, but Chris and I don't have that kind of money just laying around. This is just not something I budgeted for, but if I ever get the daughter I so desperately want, I'm going to tell her to start putting money away early, just in case she needs IVF or surrogacy someday!!! :-) Seriously.
Coincidentally, the author of the book I was reading (Zara Griswold) runs the other agency CRM recommended. I have to take a moment to talk about this book. It taught me SO much about the entire process, and it was really good to hear the women's stories. What I liked about it is that it didn't sugarcoat things. Some stories were not positive - but in the end, they all had happy endings - they had babies. Zara herself used a surrogate, so she knows the process firsthand. This book also made me realize how lucky I am. Many of the women in the book were survivors of cancer and other diseases, or had abnormalities with their lady parts (or no lady parts at all) or had many, many miscarriages. I consider myself lucky that I had/have none of these things. Things can always be worse, right?!
I very quickly became a women obsessed with getting my hands on any and all information related to gestational surrogacy. I had NO idea how much was out there, and the support networks available! (And did you know there are sites for surrogate classified ads??! I didn't, and man, are they interesting!) I joined an online group (recommended by Zara in her book) and have gotten more information than I even know what to do with. Reading message boards from both IP's and GS's allowed me to feel like I'm not alone - that there are others who TRULY understand what this feels like. And, best of all, I began to feel...(dare I say it?).....excited!!! Throughout my reading and research, I really came to realize that an agency is the way I want to go. (For the record, Chris is on board with anything I decide - he just wants a baby and doesn't care if we go broke making it happen!) I feel secure in knowing that an agency specializes in this sort of thing and works with surrogates who know what they're signing up for. Yes, it's more expensive. But this isn't like we're trying to find a couch on Craigslist, ya know? And you wouldn't buy a house without using a realtor, right? (That's an analogy one IP used in the book and I liked it!) This is an immensely personal decision and not an easy one, but I feel in my gut that it's the right one. I know some people in our lives will think we're nuts for spending more money than we have to. But they're not in our shoes. There, that's all the justification I'm offering. :-)
Through my online group I started hearing many, many great things about Zara and her agency - Family Source Consultants (FSC) in Chicago. I also liked the idea of using one that was recommended by CRM, as they have been so great to work with and we trust their judgement. So, I went online and filled out the initial questionnaire, and was told I'd hear from someone within 48 hours. The next day, Zara herself called me!!! (It almost felt like a celebrity was calling me, considering I've been reading her book and researching her like crazy.) We played a bit of phone tag, but finally connected yesterday. We talked for about 20 minutes and I felt like I was talking to an old friend. I knew immediately that I wanted to move forward with her and FSC.
(If you're interested, here's a link to their website: http://www.familysourcesurrogacy.com/)
She asked some hard questions (ones Chris and I thankfully have talked about), primarily about what we're looking for in a surrogate. Perhaps the hardest question is that of selective reduction and termination. Who wants to decide before even starting this process if we'd EVER terminate the pregnancy or reduce the number of embryos if we ended up with "too many"??? It's a horrible thought. Understandably though, those are things the IP's and GS's absolutely have to agree on before going into a contract.
We also have to decide if we're open to having a surrogate who's out of state. In all actuality, I'm looking for someone who lives in a state in which their insurance covers surrogacy (most in MN do not.) If the GS doensn't have insurance, we have to purchase insurance for her - another added expense. There are also many states that are NOT "surro-friendly" - meaning the GS's name goes on the birth certificate, and the IP's have to adopt their own baby from them (even though they used their own egg & sperm and the GS has NO genetic tie to the child??!) Ridiculous. Surrogacy is even illegal in some states! Thankfully, most of the surrounding midwest states are very surro-friendly and many provide insurance coverage. We would love to be as involved as possible and attend as many appointments as we can, so finding a surrogate within a reasonable distance would be ideal. (Also, CRM requires that the GS comes to them for all psych testing and the first 8 weeks of pregnancy, and we have to cover all travel expenses - it would be much better to pay for gas than airfare!)
If we are willing to use a surrogate in California, Zara thinks we could be matched within a few weeks - she has someone who just became available who she thinks would be a great match for us. AHH!!! Definitely gives us lots to think about. Zara is sending me her profile today and we'll decide if we want to contact her and get introduced. Exciting, yet scary!!
Stay tuned!!!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
How our surrogacy journey all began......
Hello all! I'll pick right up where I left off - with the "announcement" that Chris and I are in the process of finding a gestational surrogate. You might be wondering what the difference is between a "gestational" surrogate (GS) and a traditional surrogate (TS) - I did too! I've learned so much already; allow me to enlighten you to the basics.
Disclaimer: I'll be telling this "story" from my perspective. I don't want to downplay this as only MY issue in any way - Chris is going through this just as much as I am, but I don't want to speak for his feelings and thought processes. So, you'll see a lot of "I" language, but that doesn't mean it's not "our" journey. :-)
Chris and I have always known we wanted to be parents and couldn't wait to start our family after we got married (on September 10, 2011). You might be thinking "jeez, give yourselves some time! You've only been married a year!" True. The reason I started seeing a doctor is not because we weren't getting pregnant; it was because I wasn't getting my period. I had gone off the pill in August, just prior to our wedding. By November, nothing had happened - no period, but also no pregnancy. I made an inital appointment with an OB/GYN to simply check things out. After all, I was 33 years old and didn't want to waste too much time waiting around, ya know? After running a bunch of tests, she felt confident that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.) If you're interested - google it. It was not a good diagnosis - it makes one very susceptible to diabetes (and facial hair, like, beards and 5 o'clock shadows - eek!) She felt, however, that I should see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to confirm the diagnosis and run further tests.
I had my first appointment with an RE in December. Over the course of several months and LOTS of tests, he concluded that I did NOT have PCOS (thank God! Is it sad that I was more relieved about not growing a beard than not having diabetes?!) but that I was also not ovulating. I did 4 rounds of Provera (which is a drug that's supposed to trigger your period); nothing happened. I did 3 rounds of Clomid (a drug to make you ovulate); nothing happened. It was obvious he was stumped but just wanted to keep trying the same things. At this point we decided to call in the experts and go to the Center for Reproductive Medicine in Minneapolis.
We had our first appointment with Dr. Campbell in May of this year. We immediately loved him and felt we were in really good hands. He wanted to try one more round of Clomid under his watch - he felt the timing of my previous cycles were way off. Well, not surprisingly, nothing happened. By this time I had turned 34 and Dr. Campbell agreed that time was of the essence. (Yeah, yeah, I know 34 isn't old but in egg years, it's getting up there!) I really appreciated his approach - he wanted to move as aggressively as I did. I'm an Aries and totally Type-A - no time to waste! Again we underwent every test in the book; some weeks I was going in every day for monitoring. He finally admitted that I had broken every law of biology and he was absolutely stumped. This was not one of those "Yay! I stumped the teacher!" moments. This was more like "#$@#, I've even stumped the expert - WTH is wrong with me?!" I told him I was defective - he told me I was "special". Note: this is one area you don't want to feel special in. By this time, he wanted to try an "experiment" on me - not to get me to ovulate or get pregnant, but to simply test my uterus to see if it was even functioning. Basically - he was going to do a complete manual hormonal cycle to see if my uterine lining was thickening. So, it began. I took straight estrogen orally - nothing happened. I started taking it, um, vaginally (TMI?) - still nothing happened. Over the course of a couple months of hormones, more blood work and more ultrasounds, my uterine lining never got above 5 mm. While all of this may not have given us answers about my uterus or why I'm not menstruating - we did learn 2 good things:
1.) I'm not in menopause
2.) I have LOTS of good, healthy eggs
It was at this point that Dr. Campbell suggested gestational surrogacy. He first said these two crazy words to me on July 24th, 2012. Because of #2 above, he thought I'd be a great candidate (provided Chris's results came back OK too, which they ultimately did.) This conversation marks what I consider the true beginning of this journey and the emotional roller coaster ride I've been on ever since. It also marks the first time I cried about any of it. Believe it or not, I had totally held myself together over the previous 9 months and always stayed positive and calm, but hearing this news triggered emotions I never knew existed. To say I fell apart would be an understatement.
Even though Dr. Campbell felt confident in his suggestion, he still had a hard time accepting that my uterus wasn't working for apparently no good reason. As a final measure, he did a saline-infused sonogram to rule out uterine trauma or abnormalities (which totally sucked by the way - getting saline pumped into your uterus via catheter is not a pleasant experience - FYI.) As I suspected, he didn't find anything. So on July 31st, he finally "gave up" trying to figure me out. He offered to refer me elsewhere, particularly the Mayo Clinic, but he felt confident they'd reach the same conclusion, and we'd have to start all over again.We completely trusted him (and still do), and felt completely comfortable in that moment making the decision to NOT pursue a 2nd opinion (actually, it would be a 4th opinion, since he was already teh 3rd doctor we'd seen, and one of the Twin Cities' best.) On that day, Chris and I officially decided to pursue surrogacy.
It's very easy to explain all of this from a technical standpoint. What this doesn't quite cover are the emotions involved, and the emotions about feeling those emotions, and the emotions about having the emotions over the original emotions - you get the idea. What I've come to realize is that I (we) are suffering a loss, and I need to allow myself time to grieve. I'm suffering the loss of a dream I've had my whole life - that I would someday be pregnant. I realize I can still become a mother, but pregnancy itself was something I always looked forward to as part of that. With this grief comes some pretty ugly emotions, and I hate myself for them sometimes. I don't WANT to feel like screaming at every pregnant person I see. I don't WANT to hate seeing pictures of my friends' babies on Facebook. I don't WANT to want to crash my cart into every person in the baby aisles at Target. I don't WANT to feel like a failure as a wife and a woman. But I simply can't help it. I'm dealing with all of this the best way I can. I'm seeing a counselor (and I feel NO shame in that), I've joined an online surrogacy group, and.....I'm writing this. Selfishly, getting this out is cathartic for me. But even better - you never know who might be going through the same thing or something similar and will somehow feel validated and less alone.
Ugh, I hate feeling sorry for myself, and anyone who knows me knows that I need to keep a sense of humor to stay sane. With that being said, I've started compiling a list (with the help of my friends) of reasons why it will be GREAT to not be pregnant and have someone else carry my baby. Here it is so far - I've also listed my wonderful friends' names so they can get credit for their awesome contributions. :-)
1.) I can get drunk at my own baby shower.
2.) My boobs will stay nice and not get prematurely saggy.
3.) No morning/all day sickness, including a gag reflex around chicken (Beth)
4.) No hugely swollen feet, legs, and cankles (Beth)
5.) I won't have to go through the beginning preggo phase where you'd like to wear a shirt that says "I'm not getting fat, I'm just knocked up" (LOL! Beth)
6.) I won't have to watch my husband guzzle cocktails while I drink yet ANOTHER club soda. (Beth)
7.) I won't have to sober socialize with drunk people (Beth). Note to self: this one will come in really handy in Pine City and Murray County .....
8.) I won't randomly "toot" and try to giggle it off at inopportune times. (Erica V.)
9.) I won't have to worry about sneezing and pissing my pants. (Erica V.) Along the same lines - I will save tons of money on not having to buy Depends pantiliners, as I will maintain bladder control (Megan).
10.) I won't need a forklift to get me out of bed. (Erica V.)
11.) I won't have to worry about losing the baby weight (Erin) Note to self: I'll just worry instead about losing the weight gained from stress eating, ha!
12.) I can drink as much coffee as I want! (Courtney)
13.) My va-jay-jay will stay intact and look normal. (Megan)
14.) I won't reek like stale milk from nursing (Megan).
15.) I won't have to worry about vomiting all over someone when they can't stop talking about the fish tacos in the cafeteria. (Megan)
16.) I won't wake up in a pool of my own breat milk because my t*ts won't stop leaking (Courtney).
17.) I won't sprout a hairy line between my belly button and va-jay-jay - a not-so sexy treasure trail for women (Darial).
And a couple more gems - 2 ways in which my friend MJ offered to be there for me:
18.) Getting drunk on wine and having "angry" talk about all the crack heads who seem to be able to have children in litters.
19.) Letting me stare, poke and prod and even take photographs with/of her stomach that (according to her) looks like a map of Hong Kong with stretch marks so deep she could become a bird bath if she laid out shirtless (give yourself a break, M, you had twins!!)
I have the BEST friends and family a girl could ever ask for, and I couldn't go through this without them. Perhaps first and foremost, I'm blessed to have my husband. Chris has been AMAZING throughout this journey so far, and I can honestly say it's brought us closer together. He's my best friend and 100% there for me - I couldn't ask for a better person to walk this road with me. If you're reading this, Chris, I LOVE YOU and I know without a doubt that we were meant to be parents together.
- A GS has no biological or genetic connection to the child she's carrying - she's simply carrying the intended parent's (IP) baby (a very recent example of this is Bill & Giuliana Rancic - if you're an E! fan like me, you know all about them!) So, in our adventure, the IP's are me and Chris.
- A TS offers/donates her own egg with the IP's sperm, making her the biological mother of the child
Disclaimer: I'll be telling this "story" from my perspective. I don't want to downplay this as only MY issue in any way - Chris is going through this just as much as I am, but I don't want to speak for his feelings and thought processes. So, you'll see a lot of "I" language, but that doesn't mean it's not "our" journey. :-)
Chris and I have always known we wanted to be parents and couldn't wait to start our family after we got married (on September 10, 2011). You might be thinking "jeez, give yourselves some time! You've only been married a year!" True. The reason I started seeing a doctor is not because we weren't getting pregnant; it was because I wasn't getting my period. I had gone off the pill in August, just prior to our wedding. By November, nothing had happened - no period, but also no pregnancy. I made an inital appointment with an OB/GYN to simply check things out. After all, I was 33 years old and didn't want to waste too much time waiting around, ya know? After running a bunch of tests, she felt confident that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.) If you're interested - google it. It was not a good diagnosis - it makes one very susceptible to diabetes (and facial hair, like, beards and 5 o'clock shadows - eek!) She felt, however, that I should see an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to confirm the diagnosis and run further tests.
I had my first appointment with an RE in December. Over the course of several months and LOTS of tests, he concluded that I did NOT have PCOS (thank God! Is it sad that I was more relieved about not growing a beard than not having diabetes?!) but that I was also not ovulating. I did 4 rounds of Provera (which is a drug that's supposed to trigger your period); nothing happened. I did 3 rounds of Clomid (a drug to make you ovulate); nothing happened. It was obvious he was stumped but just wanted to keep trying the same things. At this point we decided to call in the experts and go to the Center for Reproductive Medicine in Minneapolis.
We had our first appointment with Dr. Campbell in May of this year. We immediately loved him and felt we were in really good hands. He wanted to try one more round of Clomid under his watch - he felt the timing of my previous cycles were way off. Well, not surprisingly, nothing happened. By this time I had turned 34 and Dr. Campbell agreed that time was of the essence. (Yeah, yeah, I know 34 isn't old but in egg years, it's getting up there!) I really appreciated his approach - he wanted to move as aggressively as I did. I'm an Aries and totally Type-A - no time to waste! Again we underwent every test in the book; some weeks I was going in every day for monitoring. He finally admitted that I had broken every law of biology and he was absolutely stumped. This was not one of those "Yay! I stumped the teacher!" moments. This was more like "#$@#, I've even stumped the expert - WTH is wrong with me?!" I told him I was defective - he told me I was "special". Note: this is one area you don't want to feel special in. By this time, he wanted to try an "experiment" on me - not to get me to ovulate or get pregnant, but to simply test my uterus to see if it was even functioning. Basically - he was going to do a complete manual hormonal cycle to see if my uterine lining was thickening. So, it began. I took straight estrogen orally - nothing happened. I started taking it, um, vaginally (TMI?) - still nothing happened. Over the course of a couple months of hormones, more blood work and more ultrasounds, my uterine lining never got above 5 mm. While all of this may not have given us answers about my uterus or why I'm not menstruating - we did learn 2 good things:
1.) I'm not in menopause
2.) I have LOTS of good, healthy eggs
It was at this point that Dr. Campbell suggested gestational surrogacy. He first said these two crazy words to me on July 24th, 2012. Because of #2 above, he thought I'd be a great candidate (provided Chris's results came back OK too, which they ultimately did.) This conversation marks what I consider the true beginning of this journey and the emotional roller coaster ride I've been on ever since. It also marks the first time I cried about any of it. Believe it or not, I had totally held myself together over the previous 9 months and always stayed positive and calm, but hearing this news triggered emotions I never knew existed. To say I fell apart would be an understatement.
Even though Dr. Campbell felt confident in his suggestion, he still had a hard time accepting that my uterus wasn't working for apparently no good reason. As a final measure, he did a saline-infused sonogram to rule out uterine trauma or abnormalities (which totally sucked by the way - getting saline pumped into your uterus via catheter is not a pleasant experience - FYI.) As I suspected, he didn't find anything. So on July 31st, he finally "gave up" trying to figure me out. He offered to refer me elsewhere, particularly the Mayo Clinic, but he felt confident they'd reach the same conclusion, and we'd have to start all over again.We completely trusted him (and still do), and felt completely comfortable in that moment making the decision to NOT pursue a 2nd opinion (actually, it would be a 4th opinion, since he was already teh 3rd doctor we'd seen, and one of the Twin Cities' best.) On that day, Chris and I officially decided to pursue surrogacy.
It's very easy to explain all of this from a technical standpoint. What this doesn't quite cover are the emotions involved, and the emotions about feeling those emotions, and the emotions about having the emotions over the original emotions - you get the idea. What I've come to realize is that I (we) are suffering a loss, and I need to allow myself time to grieve. I'm suffering the loss of a dream I've had my whole life - that I would someday be pregnant. I realize I can still become a mother, but pregnancy itself was something I always looked forward to as part of that. With this grief comes some pretty ugly emotions, and I hate myself for them sometimes. I don't WANT to feel like screaming at every pregnant person I see. I don't WANT to hate seeing pictures of my friends' babies on Facebook. I don't WANT to want to crash my cart into every person in the baby aisles at Target. I don't WANT to feel like a failure as a wife and a woman. But I simply can't help it. I'm dealing with all of this the best way I can. I'm seeing a counselor (and I feel NO shame in that), I've joined an online surrogacy group, and.....I'm writing this. Selfishly, getting this out is cathartic for me. But even better - you never know who might be going through the same thing or something similar and will somehow feel validated and less alone.
Ugh, I hate feeling sorry for myself, and anyone who knows me knows that I need to keep a sense of humor to stay sane. With that being said, I've started compiling a list (with the help of my friends) of reasons why it will be GREAT to not be pregnant and have someone else carry my baby. Here it is so far - I've also listed my wonderful friends' names so they can get credit for their awesome contributions. :-)
1.) I can get drunk at my own baby shower.
2.) My boobs will stay nice and not get prematurely saggy.
3.) No morning/all day sickness, including a gag reflex around chicken (Beth)
4.) No hugely swollen feet, legs, and cankles (Beth)
5.) I won't have to go through the beginning preggo phase where you'd like to wear a shirt that says "I'm not getting fat, I'm just knocked up" (LOL! Beth)
6.) I won't have to watch my husband guzzle cocktails while I drink yet ANOTHER club soda. (Beth)
7.) I won't have to sober socialize with drunk people (Beth). Note to self: this one will come in really handy in Pine City and Murray County .....
8.) I won't randomly "toot" and try to giggle it off at inopportune times. (Erica V.)
9.) I won't have to worry about sneezing and pissing my pants. (Erica V.) Along the same lines - I will save tons of money on not having to buy Depends pantiliners, as I will maintain bladder control (Megan).
10.) I won't need a forklift to get me out of bed. (Erica V.)
11.) I won't have to worry about losing the baby weight (Erin) Note to self: I'll just worry instead about losing the weight gained from stress eating, ha!
12.) I can drink as much coffee as I want! (Courtney)
13.) My va-jay-jay will stay intact and look normal. (Megan)
14.) I won't reek like stale milk from nursing (Megan).
15.) I won't have to worry about vomiting all over someone when they can't stop talking about the fish tacos in the cafeteria. (Megan)
16.) I won't wake up in a pool of my own breat milk because my t*ts won't stop leaking (Courtney).
17.) I won't sprout a hairy line between my belly button and va-jay-jay - a not-so sexy treasure trail for women (Darial).
And a couple more gems - 2 ways in which my friend MJ offered to be there for me:
18.) Getting drunk on wine and having "angry" talk about all the crack heads who seem to be able to have children in litters.
19.) Letting me stare, poke and prod and even take photographs with/of her stomach that (according to her) looks like a map of Hong Kong with stretch marks so deep she could become a bird bath if she laid out shirtless (give yourself a break, M, you had twins!!)
I have the BEST friends and family a girl could ever ask for, and I couldn't go through this without them. Perhaps first and foremost, I'm blessed to have my husband. Chris has been AMAZING throughout this journey so far, and I can honestly say it's brought us closer together. He's my best friend and 100% there for me - I couldn't ask for a better person to walk this road with me. If you're reading this, Chris, I LOVE YOU and I know without a doubt that we were meant to be parents together.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
My very first blog post!
Welcome to my blog!! I've been thinking of starting one of these for awhile, and finally (with the prompting of several friends) decided to go for it! I love to write (or should I say type?) Most of you probably already know me and are reading because I sent you the link and told you to. :-) For those of you who don't know me - I hope you find something useful, relatable, or entertaining - or just a way to pass the time. :-)
Your first thought might be "what the #$% does 'Baxter's Mama' mean??" Let me tell you!
I'm not much of a pet person, but I've long wanted something I could call Baxter. (And, much to the horror of my entire family of in-laws, I picture Baxter to be a kitty - don't you??) My dear hubby Chris has made it very clear that there is no cat in our future. Well, fine then. Fast forward to a night of typical conversation in the Piha household, when Chris and I were discussing what we would call ourselves if we were to ever start a band. TA-DA!! Without hesitation, I said "Baxter's Mama". This gem of a name came to me instantly - it was meant to be.....or not. Considering I have no musical talent or ability whatsoever, I don't think a band is in my future either. So, I may not have a kitty or a band I can use this golden nugget on, but I have a new blog that needed a name so there it is!!
Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to the primary reason I started this blog. Chris and I are on a journey to make me a mama (to a child, not an animal named Baxter, just to clarify) and this journey has turned out to be much more than we ever expected. To cut to the chase - we are in the process of finding a gestational surrogate. Needless to say, there's A LOT involved with this, and we are blessed to have many people in our lives who want to know every detail. My hope is that this blog will serve to keep those who want updates informed, without them having to listen to me on repeat. :-)
More details to come, but that's all for tonight!!
Your first thought might be "what the #$% does 'Baxter's Mama' mean??" Let me tell you!
I'm not much of a pet person, but I've long wanted something I could call Baxter. (And, much to the horror of my entire family of in-laws, I picture Baxter to be a kitty - don't you??) My dear hubby Chris has made it very clear that there is no cat in our future. Well, fine then. Fast forward to a night of typical conversation in the Piha household, when Chris and I were discussing what we would call ourselves if we were to ever start a band. TA-DA!! Without hesitation, I said "Baxter's Mama". This gem of a name came to me instantly - it was meant to be.....or not. Considering I have no musical talent or ability whatsoever, I don't think a band is in my future either. So, I may not have a kitty or a band I can use this golden nugget on, but I have a new blog that needed a name so there it is!!
Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to the primary reason I started this blog. Chris and I are on a journey to make me a mama (to a child, not an animal named Baxter, just to clarify) and this journey has turned out to be much more than we ever expected. To cut to the chase - we are in the process of finding a gestational surrogate. Needless to say, there's A LOT involved with this, and we are blessed to have many people in our lives who want to know every detail. My hope is that this blog will serve to keep those who want updates informed, without them having to listen to me on repeat. :-)
More details to come, but that's all for tonight!!
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