Internal struggle....

Hello all! As I mentioned in my last post, Chris and I received the big ol' application from the agency. Man, this thing really makes a person examine themselves, not only as an intended parent, but as a person. One of the hardest questions for me to answer has been: would we consider a surrogate of a different race/culture/religion/sexual orientation?

Hmm. Wow. These are not things you have to consider when having kids the "traditional" way, ya know?! This question is seriously a struggle for me. I have many people in my life with backgrounds that differ greatly from my own, and I love that about them. I have straight friends, gay friends, Muslim friends, Buddhist friends, black/white/yellow - you name it - and I accept, love and value them all. I love to learn about their beliefs, their customs, their families. Is it terrible, however, that from the beginning of this I always pictured our match to be a white, boring married couple like us, who preferably didn't worship the devil? (All joking aside, I did tell Zara I needed our surrogate to at least believe in God......)

I'm writing this post at my own risk of sounding like a terrible person - I know that. Am I a terrible person? Am I being racist (ugh, just that word is so ugly!)? Or am I just looking for someone we have the most in common with, which would make an already difficult situation a little bit easier? I'd like to think that. I'm pretty sure no one who knows me would label me in this way, but this is what this question makes me feel like (or, more so, the answer). (Note to self: do NOT add this to my list of reasons why it'll be great to have someone else carry our child - this part sucks.......) I think the most important thing is for us to be completely honest with the agency and with ourselves, as this might be one of the biggest decisions of our lives (that sounds so dramatic - but, well, it's true!) I just don't know the answers yet.......

For all that this takes out of me, I'm getting just as much in return. As hard as it is sometimes, I truly feel that we're going through it for a reason and we'll come out stronger. I'm feeling now, more then ever, the unconditional love and support of our family and friends. I'm learning so much about myself, my husband, and what kind of life we want for ourselves and our future children. This process is forcing us to consider things we may have never thought of otherwise, and I'm thankful for that. Seriously, it might not be a bad idea for ALL couples to be asking themselves some of these questions before starting a family. :-)

Not sure if Chris is as excited about all this "self-examination" as I am, but I'm a nerd and love anything that helps me grow intellectually and emotionally. Pretty sure I keep self-help books in business. :-) Staying positive!