Finding the perfect match......

Happy Friday all!

Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback! I've already gotten several questions - namely, how does one go about finding a surrogate?? This was our question exactly.

We are lucky in that the Center for Reproductive Medicine (CRM) has a Gestational Surrogacy program, complete with coordinators and financial counselors (cuz let me tell you - this journey is NOT cheap and VERY complicated! If there's anything I've realized, it's that pregnancy is truly a miracle and I totally took the idea of it for granted.) They help us coordinate everything that's involved with surrogacy, including the medical testing, psychological testing (for us, the GS, and her partner), legal counseling (both sides have to have independent legal counsel), IVF (for "harvesting" my eggs), the drug regimens (for both me and GS getting ready for the IVF and transfer), the contracts, the financials, and all the other little (ha!) things that go into this.

The very first step was reading the booklet about what GS would all entail. OMG. It was so overwhelming, I literally threw it across the room when I first read it and thought "who in their right mind would EVER agree to do something like this??" (And meanly, I admit, I started thinking that maybe if I just quit my job, moved to a trailer park and started smoking meth, I'd probably get pregnant tomorrow. No offense to anyone who's done those things, well, except maybe the meth part.) But I won't even get into how unfair all of this seems. I could make myself crazy thinking of all the "undeserving" people who've had no problems getting pregnant when they don't even want a child and/or aren't equipped to take care of one. But I digress......

Dawn (the GS program coordinator) and Dr. Campbell told us that it would be ideal if we could find a surrogate on our own; meaning, a friend, family member, or anyone else who knows us and wouldn't charge us a fee. Ha! It seems so simple, but it's SO not. How do you go about asking someone to borrow their womb for 10 months, in addition to the 4-6 months of preparation involved (IF the cycle "takes" on the first try)?! I refused. I would never want to put someone on the spot like that or put them in the position to say no and feel terrible about it. So, I went into denial instead - it was so much easier than actually facing the giant mountain ahead of us. I took a good few weeks and just ignored the whole situation altogether.

I also decided to wait to see if we got any offers. :-) And.....we DID! I won't name any names here, but we had not one, but five people in our lives who very seriously considered doing this for us. (And even a few more who, even though the knew they'd never qualify due to medical reasons, offered anyway.) For dozens of reasons (some on their parts, some on ours), none of them were the right match for us.

I want to take a moment to acknowledge these people (you know who you are!!) I cannot even begin to express how grateful we are that they would even consider giving us a gift such as this. We will never be able to properly thank you for loving us enough to even offer. It's so very humbling and makes me realize how incredibly blessed we are to have the support network we do. And for those that didn't work out for their own reasons - please don't feel bad. I feel very strongly that what's meant to be will be, and for whatever reason, God decided it wasn't in the cards. I still love you anyway. :-)

OK, so back to the story. I soon realized that ignoring the situation wasn't going to get us anywhere - it was time for me get moving and make things happen! I ordered a book on Amazon called "Surrogacy Was the Way: 20 Intended Mothers Tell Their Stories" by Zara Griswold and started doing A LOT of research online. I also contacted the two agencies CRM recommended to match IP's and GS's. I had a minor setback again when I got the financial packets from the first agency and realized the average cost for using them was around $100,000 - the agency fee alone is $25,000. Um, yeah. Not sure about you, but Chris and I don't have that kind of money just laying around. This is just not something I budgeted for, but if I ever get the daughter I so desperately want, I'm going to tell her to start putting money away early, just in case she needs IVF or surrogacy someday!!! :-) Seriously.

Coincidentally, the author of the book I was reading (Zara Griswold) runs the other agency CRM recommended. I have to take a moment to talk about this book. It taught me SO much about the entire process, and it was really good to hear the women's stories. What I liked about it is that it didn't sugarcoat things. Some stories were not positive - but in the end, they all had happy endings - they had babies. Zara herself used a surrogate, so she knows the process firsthand. This book also made me realize how lucky I am. Many of the women in the book were survivors of cancer and other diseases, or had abnormalities with their lady parts (or no lady parts at all) or had many, many miscarriages. I consider myself lucky that I had/have none of these things. Things can always be worse, right?!

I very quickly became a women obsessed with getting my hands on any and all information related to gestational surrogacy. I had NO idea how much was out there, and the support networks available! (And did you know there are sites for surrogate classified ads??! I didn't, and man, are they interesting!) I joined an online group (recommended by Zara in her book) and have gotten more information than I even know what to do with. Reading message boards from both IP's and GS's allowed me to feel like I'm not alone - that there are others who TRULY understand what this feels like. And, best of all, I began to feel...(dare I say it?).....excited!!! Throughout my reading and research, I really came to realize that an agency is the way I want to go. (For the record, Chris is on board with anything I decide - he just wants a baby and doesn't care if we go broke making it happen!) I feel secure in knowing that an agency specializes in this sort of thing and works with surrogates who know what they're signing up for. Yes, it's more expensive. But this isn't like we're trying to find a couch on Craigslist, ya know? And you wouldn't buy a house without using a realtor, right? (That's an analogy one IP used in the book and I liked it!) This is an immensely personal decision and not an easy one, but I feel in my gut that it's the right one. I know some people in our lives will think we're nuts for spending more money than we have to. But they're not in our shoes. There, that's all the justification I'm offering. :-)

Through my online group I started hearing many, many great things about Zara and her agency - Family Source Consultants (FSC) in Chicago. I also liked the idea of using one that was recommended by CRM, as they have been so great to work with and we trust their judgement. So, I went online and filled out the initial questionnaire, and was told I'd hear from someone within 48 hours. The next day, Zara herself called me!!! (It almost felt like a celebrity was calling me, considering I've been reading her book and researching her like crazy.) We played a bit of phone tag, but finally connected yesterday. We talked for about 20 minutes and I felt like I was talking to an old friend. I knew immediately that I wanted to move forward with her and FSC.

(If you're interested, here's a link to their website: http://www.familysourcesurrogacy.com/)

She asked some hard questions (ones Chris and I thankfully have talked about), primarily about what we're looking for in a surrogate. Perhaps the hardest question is that of selective reduction and termination. Who wants to decide before even starting this process if we'd EVER terminate the pregnancy or reduce the number of embryos if we ended up with "too many"??? It's a horrible thought. Understandably though, those are things the IP's and GS's absolutely have to agree on before going into a contract.

We also have to decide if we're open to having a surrogate who's out of state. In all actuality, I'm looking for someone who lives in a state in which their insurance covers surrogacy (most in MN do not.) If the GS doensn't have insurance, we have to purchase insurance for her - another added expense. There are also many states that are NOT "surro-friendly" - meaning the GS's name goes on the birth certificate, and the IP's have to adopt their own baby from them (even though they used their own egg & sperm and the GS has NO genetic tie to the child??!) Ridiculous. Surrogacy is even illegal in some states! Thankfully, most of the surrounding midwest states are very surro-friendly and many provide insurance coverage. We would love to be as involved as possible and attend as many appointments as we can, so finding a surrogate within a reasonable distance would be ideal. (Also, CRM requires that the GS comes to them for all psych testing and the first 8 weeks of pregnancy, and we have to cover all travel expenses - it would be much better to pay for gas than airfare!)

If we are willing to use a surrogate in California, Zara thinks we could be matched within a few weeks - she has someone who just became available who she thinks would be a great match for us. AHH!!! Definitely gives us lots to think about. Zara is sending me her profile today and we'll decide if we want to contact her and get introduced. Exciting, yet scary!!

Stay tuned!!!